Thursday, August 21, 2014

Legends Episode 2 Recap: We're Gonna Need A Bigger Bottle Of Whiskey

QUESTION:

Do you regret your offer to recap the show "Legends?"



HYPOTHESIS:

Yes, you regret your offer to recap the show "Legends."



PROCEDURE:

Watch episode two of "Legends," entitled "Chemistry."



PROCEDURE NOTES & OBSERVATIONS:




  • Previously on "Legends": Remember how you thought this would be a good use of your time simply because Sean Bean is in it?



  • Our story begins in Bakersfield, CA... nothing good begins in Bakersfield, CA.



  • Loving family in a car... they'll probably die soon.



  • Kid is a smartass on a smartphone. No longer invested in whether this family lives or dies.



  • Cops pull them over, they look high.



  • Wait, that's not an American accent.



  • They aren't high, they're Russians.



  • Oh no, real cops! Run, real cops!



  • Bang!



  • Someone's dead and it isn't Sean Bean... again.



  • Still not buyng that "legends" is a thing anyone ever used to refer to an alias before... too disappointed already to google it.



  • Sean Bean is seeing a therapist.



  • Sexual function: EXCEPTIONAL... hahaha, damn right... raising hand to high five Sean Bean.



  • Loosely sketched female FBI agent character is watching Sean Bean's therapy session with the loosely sketched boss character... that's not cool, guys, therapy is private.



  • She questions whether Sean Bean's accent is even real... LOL.



  • Apparently, we're back to female FBI agent not liking/trusting Sean Bean... ok, I mean, I thought we resolved that he is THE BEST™.



  • She doesn't want to work with him but won't bother transferring him either.



  • Boss/Nelson says he put them together because they are both THE BEST™ at what they do... I'd give high fives all around except no one is watching this with me.



  • Flash back to Sean Bean getting mad and breaking his wife's dishes... son walks in and asks, "Dad, why are you breaking stuff?" You can't make this dialogue up.



  • Sean Bean says he keeps his family and work separate... I bet that won't last... predict family in danger by episode four... oh, god, will I still be doing this two more episodes from now?



  • Uh oh, Sean Bean signed in as Lincoln, the "legend" from the pilot... dude is still messed up.



  • "A legend is an elaborate lie..." Metaphor!



  • Sean Bean doesn't seem to know the definition of suicide.



  • He picks up a copy of "The Idiot." Did the show just troll itself?



  • "I know who I am." Not according to the last line of the pilot, Sean Bean. Did you not watch it either?



  • "Pitch Perfect" Bobby's death ruled NOT a homicide.



  • Pretty sure I just saw graffiti of Hermey The Dentist.



  • Dad from the car is a high school chemistry teacher... don't remind us of good shows during your show, "Legends".



  • "They are a typical middle class family." Daughter must be pregnant then.



  • DAD IS RUSSIAN AND KNOWS HOW TO MAKE VX!



  • "Most but NOT ALL the VX" really shouldn't be considered "MOST of the VX." If there's ANY VX, there's a lot of VX, IMHO.



  • This is now tied into the Chechen Mafia... That settles it, I'm making a Bingo card for the next episode.



  • Moles, active legends, DCOs... I would have already Bingo'd.



  • Hey, guys, seems serious, better put THE BEST™ on this case.



  • "Napoleon Dynamite" Maggie's hair has gotten quirkier since the pilot. She is officially the quirky tech character. At this point, I'll take it.



  • The fuck is she smiling at?



  • "Work the Chechen angle..." Is that a pole dance move?



  • Richard, the chemistry teacher/secret Russian, didn't hide his Russian-ness for very long.



  • Just because your husband speaks Russian that doesn't make him an immediate stranger, Susan... god, can any woman in this show be written with an ounce complexity? No? Ok.



  • First commercial: We've learned that "Legends" borrowed a few extras from "The Americans" for this episode's bad guys.



  • "Planes, Trains and Automobiles" reference... I WILL TAKE THAT.



  • "We're on the same team here." BINGO!



  • Raincoat guy from the pilot was former marine and crazy.



  • Syd Barrett... who was that reference for?



  • Wow, downstairs FBI dude/Morris Chestnut just helped him out and Sean Bean was like, "Not even authorized to tell you who I am..." Sean Bean ain't got to tell you shit, friend.



  • Sean Bean is offering to go shopping with his son... son has to check his schedule... this is officially the worst father/son relationship.



  • Russians or Chechen mafia or whoever they are want the chemistry teacher/no-longer-secret Russian to make VX.



  • All black suit alert... dude is clearly the most evil Russian.



  • So he just remembers how to make VX? I've made cornbread dressing casserole, like, 40 times and I still need to look at the recipe. Is he a wizard?



  • Why the glamour shots of the female FBI agent?



  • "Cocaine's a hell of a drug..." The fuck is going on with these references?



  • "I bet you DO handle things..." Russians are smooth.



  • Also, female FBI agent's name is Crystal... this show def hates women.



  • Uh oh, Sean Bean angry!



  • Sean Bean is casting aspersions on the way Russians play Russian Roulette... dude gives zero fucks.



  • He's threatening to shoot a ball off of this guy as if it would be worse than just killing him. Get over your balls, gentlemen.



  • Second commercial: We've learned the show writers are just entertaining themselves wherever they can.



  • Dmitri lives in Silver Lake... Russian hipster?



  • "No more of that cowboy shit..." No one says this to Sean Bean.



  • IF that happens again she MIGHT do something.



  • Maggie, running the tech ops... but her hair is running THE SHOW™.



  • "72%... I can work with those odds..." I mean, you can, but should you?



  • Female FBI Agent Crystal just rolled her eyes super hard and then agreed with Sean Bean's plan anyway. I just punched myself in the neck.



  • Whoa, Nelson really cares about Martin. Almost as much as Martin cared about Bobby, who he met twice.



  • Hey, fun! Accidental meet up at the taco cart between Sean Bean and FBI Agent Chestnut.



  • Chestnut's on to you, Martin, and he does not drop the ball... Or fumble... He does NEITHER of those same things.



  • Teenage girl just said she'd get a washcloth. Where? You're in a dungeon.



  • I bet the wife is also Russian.



  • Third commercial: We've learned that this show has aggressively decided to pursue place/time stamps.



  • "Remember there's a lot of innocent people at the club." Thanks, boss, that's why you're THE BEST™.



  • Maggie's hair is THE BEST™.



  • Crystal is having trouble with her bracelet and Sean Bean fixes it. Why is this scene in the show?



  • Martin needs to know you're up for this, Crystal! Are you up for this? You better be because word on the street is you're THE BEST™.



  • These people don't trust each other but they're THE BEST™ and they are the only people who can do this.



  • Also, they're discussing what shots they're going to have while on the mission.



  • Crystal prefers whiskey to tequila. This is her first identifiable human characteristic. Well done, writers.



  • How do FBI agents have so much time to spend on their hair?



  • Someone is described as "like Gandalf with money..."



  • Dmitri might be the worst... probably will die soon.



  • Bakersfield still sounds like Bakersfield in Russian, Dmitri, you dumb shit.



  • Oh, god, FBI fails again... they are so bad at this.



  • Crystal, watch yourself... also, drink more bourbon.



  • Russians apparently understand the idiom "powder my nose".



  • Crystal went into the bathroom and they've lost her signal... good job, FBI.



  • Aww, damn, they just killed nondescript FBI agent Troy.



  • Damn, Crystal will shoot a bitch when they kill Troy.



  • Fourth commercial: We've learned no one kills Troy on Crystal's watch.



  • The Russians are stealing barrels of stuff.



  • Maggie's hair is getting more aggressive as the show goes on.



  • "What a goddamn mess" is Nelson's "I'm too old for this shit."



  • Why are Martin and Crystal at his place? There's literally no reason for that.



  • Someone else is behind this other than Chechens because they are "organized" -- BINGO! -- Didn't they have to be organized to kidnap someone?



  • "I'm going to find out who did it and put a bullet in their head." Crystal, you actually, literally just did that before the last commercial.



  • Uh oh, Morris Chestnut wants to surveil Sean Bean... his boss says no... I'm sure that will be it.



  • He lied... that is NOT it.



  • Crystal wearing an all black suit with turtleneck to signify mourning for Troy, for whom she cared deeply or something.



  • I guess Crystal and Troy were good friends, just like Sean Bean and Bobby and Nelson and Sean Bean.



  • Maggie is wearing a lot of patterns.



  • Crystal may be grieving but she had time to get a cut and a blowout.



  • "Regional Threat Matrix" sounds as dangerous as "Regional Emmy".



  • Those canisters contained the chemicals to produce VX gas.



  • Russian Richard is having trouble focusing on making VX gas.



  • Sean Bean tells Nelson "I need to go back under"... you don't mean...



  • No, it's TOO SOON, Sean Bean!



  • He's going to assume the "legend" Dante Auerbach... Lord Of War... I need all the drinks right now.



  • Sean Bean took his son shopping after all.



  • Mom asks, "Are you going under again?" She knew... maybe she's THE BEST™.



  • Uh oh, Agent Morris Chestnut is trying to follow Sean Bean.



  • Aaaand Sean Bean is already on to you within 4 seconds, Agent Chestnut. You are THE WORST™.



  • Sean Bean folds space.



  • Half the city is in the kill zone.



  • Dante Auerbach is Martin's "most productive legend"... is that another way of saying THE BEST™?



  • "Dante is a talker, convincer, gambler..." Also a joker, smoker and midnight toker but that's neither here nor there.



  • "Sit back and watch. It's his show now." I think a character in this show just told me to keep watching the show.








RESULTS:

Sean Bean Deaths: 0

Fully Realized Supporting Characters: .25 (combined score of Crystal's whiskey preference and Morris Chestnut's refusal to back the F off of Sean Bean)

Plausible Plot Points: 1 (Both Bakersfield and Silver Lake are actual locations in California)

Cliches: Holding strong at infinite

Chance You'll Watch The Next Episode Simply Because It Stars Sean Bean & Watching Him Do Anything Is Better Than Not Watching Him Do Anything: 98%, 2% lower than last week

Characters Promising The Show Will Get Better Disguised As Dialogue: 1



CONCLUSION: Inconclusive

Mostly regret, but an hour spent watching Sean Bean as part of my work day is still an hour spent watching Sean Bean.
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